Everyone has a story.  My body tells mine with it's multitude of scars that tell the story of my deformed spine and weak bones.  All of which have been surgically corrected on more than one occasion leaving me feeling better physically but lousy emotionally. Scoliosis not only affects a person physically but also emotionally and mentally. Especially if said person is a woman such as myself. I know I know I shouldn't be so vain however I am a woman and our looks matter to us whether we want to admit it or not so yes, having Scoliosis has affected my self esteem and the way I see myself. Aside from looks, it also got in the way of me being more active. I was and am limited in a lot of things.


I have battled the physical effects of this deformity since I was a teen when I had my first surgery to correct two rather large curves. My spine looked like a backwards S. Not very attractive even from the outside. One shoulder was lower than the other and I had a hump on my back. I chose to wear my hair very long at the time and hide under big clothes even though I was small and weighed about 95 pounds. I was incredibly self conscious over my scoliosis and pretty much kept to myself. Being a teenager is hard but factor in a debilitating condition and it was harder and pretty lonely. My first surgery was successful. Though I still had my curves, they were controlled by rods to prevent them from getting worse. I even gained an inch in height which was great. It took about 2 years to fuse and heal completely. I felt great and looked straighter on the outside. It was a good feeling.


Life went on and I got married at 25 and had my first child at 29 and my second at 31. After my second child was born however, I started to feel pain in my upper back. My neck and back muscles would get tight and spasm every now and again so I would go for regular massages. It was during one of these massages that I felt pain on contact for the first time in years. This was strange I thought but wrote it off as a spasm from the physical exertion of just having a baby. What I didn't know at the time was the long, painful road that I was about to travel that lasted five years.


Five years I progressively got worse. I went to doctor after doctor, acupuncture, gym, injections, you name it but nothing helped. At this point, I started to speak to a therapist. My pain was so much so that it started to affect my mood. I was irritable, tired all the time and very distracted. I was also taking care of two small children so the physical aspect was very trying. I knew something wasn't right when I started having tremors in my left hand and terrible, terrible migraines. I also noticed that my head was no longer centered on my body. Strange I thought as I stared in the mirror focusing on my neck which was slanted. This can't be good. To add more spice to my struggle, I slipped on my stairs and fell banging my neck against a step. This was a turning point for me since my pain increased and I now lost feeling in my ring and pinky fingers. I knew what I had to do. I pulled out the big guns and called a well known Orthopedic Surgeon.


This doctor is also a part of the Hospital for Special Surgery where I had my previous operation. I knew he would be the one to help me. After all he was my last hope. I was suffering. Dr. O was incredibly thorough and knowledgeable and ordered many scans and x-rays. Though he didn't see a source for the pain, he still listened to me and recommended fusion surgery. As it turned out, my Scoliosis deviated into my neck and seemed to be causing my problems. Little did he know just how responsible it was for my pain. He went ahead and performed the surgery only to find that my rod had whittled away part of my spine known as the Spinous Process (the bone you can feel when you run your hand down your back). So much that it encased the top portion of the rod. The doctor successfully fixed the problem and fused my neck. That was indeed the source of the pain. Feeling returned to my ring and pinky fingers and my old pain was gone. The recovery is still going well as I am writing this blog and I feel better every day and very grateful to my doctor.


While I am happy over the result of my surgery and getting my life back, the whole ordeal did leave me with some post traumatic stress. I am very tired all the time and constantly stressed over my health. Especially since I have two wonderful children that depend on me and who want me to do things with them such as Just Dance for Wii or a game of tag. I also don't feel attractive to my husband due to my many scars and small frame. Of course, he is a saint (and maybe a little blind) and tells me how beautiful I am all the time. I wonder if this is the last I'll have to deal with my Scoliosis or if it will continue to burden me.


My life with Scoliosis will always be a struggle but with a little time and acceptance, I'll make peace with it.